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If one of your legs is Christmas and the other is New Years', can I come between the holidays?
Today we salute you,
Stressed out college student,
During exam week.
As you sit in your lonely cubical in the library,
Doped up on Starbucks & Aderol,
You think to yourself,
"Am I ever going to need to know this stuff in life?"
The distractions are tempting,
And you have suddenly diagnosed yourself with ADD,
Along with advanced delusionary schizophrenia with involuntary narcissistic rage.
I'm sure by now you know exactly what everyone is doing because you have checked your buddy list 800 times.
Christmas break is just days away,
And your Prozac prescription will be in tomorrow.
So crack open an ice cold Bud Light after that last exam,
Because for most of us,
Christmas will be spent in rehab.
We Salute You
"Merry christmas to all, and to all: shut the hell up."
"Nice kid. Baaaaaad judge of character."
How the Grinch Stole Christmas
The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly
Good: Your hubby and you agree, no more kids
Bad: You can't find your birth control pills
Ugly: Your daughter borrowed them
Good: Your son studies a lot in his room
Bad: You find several porn movies hidden there.
Ugly: You're in them
Good: Your husband understands fashion
Bad: He's a cross-dresser
Ugly: He looks better than you
Good: Your son's finally maturing
Bad: He's involved with the woman next door
Ugly: So are you
Good: You give the birds and bees talk to your daughter
Bad: She keeps interrupting
Ugly: With corrections
Good: Your wife's not talking to you
Bad: She wants a divorce
Ugly: She's a lawyer
Good: The postman's early
Bad: He's wearing fatigues and carrying an AK47
Ugly: You gave him nothing for Christmas
Good: Your daughter got a new job
Bad: As a hooker
Ugly: Your coworkers are her best clients
Way Ugly: She makes more money than you do
Good: You're son is dating someone new
Bad: It's another man
Ugly: He's you're best friend
Good: You're wife is pregnant.
Bad: It's triplets
Ugly: You had a vasectomy five years ago.
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Chuck Norris Away Messages
We Salute You
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