away messages that dont suck
Home

Top 25 Users

Top 25 MSGs

Buddy Icons

Help

Browsing Funny...
Sort By: Clicks | Submitter Name | Most Recent

by: sir_cumference (05/16/2006)

Don't you hate those ridiculously long and pointless away messages where someone leaves nothing but completely irrelevant information about their actual location? I mean come on, who would actually want to sit there for like 5 minutes and stare at a bunch of words that don't have anything to do with anything else. Yet strangely, many people do actually read those pointless away messages. Why? Because they have nothing better to do than occupy their unimaginative minds by staring blankly at a useless paragraph that serves no vital function in this world. A phenomenon that may never be explained...
Funny
1,455 Clicks

by: kate28 (06/15/2008)

WOMAN'S POEM
Before I lay me down to sleep,
I pray for a man,
who's not a creep
One who's handsome, smart and strong.
One who loves to listen long,
One who thinks before he speaks,
One who'll call, not wait for weeks.
I pray he's gainfully employed,
When I spend his cash, won't be annoyed.
Pulls out my chair and opens my door,
Massages my back and begs to do more.
Oh! Send me a man who'll make love to my mind,
Knows what to answer to "how big is my behind?"
I pray that this man will love me to no end,
And always be my very best friend.



MAN'S POEM
I pray for a deaf-mute nymphomaniac with huge boobs who owns a liquor store and a golf course. This doesn't rhyme and I don't give a sh#t.
Funny
1,454 Clicks

by: bored2death (09/06/2008)

10 Most Annoying Things Parents Say:

Q: What college do you wanna go to?
-College?! Surviving elementary school was hard enough! How the hell should I know?!

Q: What do you wanna be when you grow up?
-Umm, I dunno, It's 1 in the afternoon, I just woke up; can't I get some alone time to play video games?

Q: If all your friends jumped off a cliff, would you jump too?
-Hell effin Yea I would!

Q: What did you do in school today?
-Its school, what the hell do you think I was doing? Sleeping!

Q: Did you finish your homework?
-Trust me, "my dog ate it" just doesn't cut it when your talking to your own parent.

Q: What were you doing alone in your room with your girlfriend?
-Studying the human anatomy, now leave us alone! She's giving me another practice test. :D

Q: Who said you can do that?!
-The lil demon on my shoulder >.>

Q: Does every thing I tell you go in one ear and out the other?
-*light breeze whisshes by*

Q: Do I look like a maid to you?!
- Believe me, you look nothing like the maids I've seen online.

Q: Who Killed Roger Rabbit?!
-Sorry, thats before my time; the only rabbit I know is the Energizer Bunny; he just keeps going... and going.
Funny
1,454 Clicks

by: Mr.Matt (01/16/2007)

Trying to escape a maximum security mental facilaty. (Its all Alfreds fault....)
LAST NIGHT...
Me: Shut up
Imaginary friend: No you shut up!
Me: No you started it!!
Imaginary Friend: Did not!
Me: Did too. So shut up!!
Imaginary Friend: Make me!
Me: Ok! Thats it!!!
Imaginary Friend: Bring it!
Me: I'LL KILL YOU!!!!!
Me:... Oh so you want to play dirty eh? Well ive got a gun too!
Imaginary Friend: Comon then!
Me: ARG!!!
*gunshots*
Imaginary Friend: Haha! I win
Me: Alfred, you fool! now im going to bleed to death!
Imaginary Friend: Its not my fault you shot yourself in the leg.
Me: Well you KNOW that im not good with a gun!
so I walked to the hospital and they put me in Pleasant Springs.
Currently crawling thorugh the sewage system of Pleasant Springs. Be back by morning!
Funny
1,452 Clicks

by: idk (02/01/2006)

The top 10 things you dont want to hear on a chairlift!
10. "YOU DONT GET VEIWS LIKE THIS IS PRISON!"
9. "WE'D BOTH BE WARMER IF YOUSAT ON MY LAP."
8. "SOME IDIOT LEFT THESE SKIS OUTSID THE LODGE!"
7. "CAN YOU HELP ME DEFROST MY MOUSTACHE?"
6. "IF IT DOSNT SNOW SOON, IM AFRAID THEY'LL FIND THE BODIES."
5. "LET ME TLL YOU ABOUT JEHOVAH WITNESSES."
4. "ALL RIGHT BOYS, CUT THE CABLE!" 3. "YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN HERE LAST WEEK."
2. "MIND IF I SMOKE?"
1. "I GOT A PERFECT WAY OF TESTING IF THEY HAVE 10 INCHES OF POWDER."
Funny
1,452 Clicks

by: titansmlb102 (07/12/2006)

101 Ways to Annoy People 1. Sing the Batman theme incessantly. 2. In the memo field of all your checks, write "for sensual massage." 3. Specify that your drive-through order is "to go." 4. Learn Morse code, and have conversations with friends in public consisting entirely of "Beeeep Bip Bip Beeep Bip..." 5. If you have a glass eye, tap on it occasionally with your pen while talking to others. 6. Amuse yourself for endless hours by hooking a camcorder to your TV and then pointing it at the screen. < 7. Speak only in a "robot" voice. 8. Push all the flat Lego pieces together tightly. 9. Start each meal by conspicuously licking all your food, and announce that this is so no one will "swipe your grub". 10. Leave the copy machine set to reduce 200%, extra dark, 17 inch paper, 98 copies. 11. Stomp on little plastic ketchup packets. 12. Sniffle incessantly. 13. Leave your turn signal on for fifty miles. 14. Name your dog "Dog." 15. Insist on keeping your car windshield wipers running in all weather conditions "to keep them tuned up." 16. Reply to everything someone says with "that's what YOU think." 17. Claim that you must always wear a bicycle helmet as part of your "astronaut training." 18. Declare your apartment an independent nation, and sue your neighbors upstairs for "violating your airspace". 19. Forget the punchline to a long joke, but assure the listener it was a "real hoot." 20. Follow a few paces behind someone, spraying everything they touch with Lysol. 21. Practice making fax and modem noises. 22. Highlight irrelevant information in scientific papers and "cc:" them to your boss. 23. Make beeping noises when a large person backs up. 24. Invent nonsense computer jargon in conversations, and see if people play along to avoid the appearance of ignorance. 25. Erect an elaborate network of ropes in your backyard, and tell the neighbors you are a "spider person." 26. Finish all your sentences with the words "in accordance with the prophesy." 27. Wear a special hip holster for your remote control. 28. Do not add any inflection to the end of your sentences, producing awkward silences with the impression that you'll be saying more any moment. 29. Signal that a conversation is over by clamping your hands over your ears. 30. Disassemble your pen and "accidentally" flip the ink cartridge across the room. 31. Give a play-by-play account of a persons every action in a nasal Howard Cosell voice. 32. Holler random numbers while someone is counting. 33. Adjust the tint on your TV so that all the people are green, and insist to others that you "like it that way." 34. Drum on every available surface. 35. Staple papers in the middle of the page. 36. Ask 1-800 operators for dates. 37. Produce a rental video consisting entirely of dire FBI copyright warnings. 38. Sew anti-theft detector strips into peoples backpacks. 39. Hide dairy products in inaccessible places. 40. Write the surprise ending to a novel on its first page. 41. Set alarms for random times. 42. Order a side of pork rinds with your filet mignon. 43. Instead of Gallo, serve Night Train next Thanksgiving. 44. Publicly investigate just how slowly you can make a "croaking" noise. 45. Honk and wave to strangers. 46. Dress only in clothes colored Hunters Orange. 47. Change channels five minutes before the end of every show. 48. Tape pieces of "Sweating to the Oldies" over climactic parts of rental movies. 49. Wear your pants backwards. 50. Decline to be seated at a restaurant, and simply eat their complimentary mints by the cash register. 51. Begin all your sentences with "ooh la la!" 52. ONLY TYPE IN UPPERCASE. 53. only type in lowercase. 54. dont use any punctuation either 55. Buy a large quantity of orange traffic cones and reroute whole streets. 56. Pay for your dinner with pennies. 57. Tie jingle bells to all your clothes. 58. Repeat everything someone says, as a question. 59. Write "X - BURIED TREASURE" in random spots on all of someone's roadmaps. 60. Inform everyone you meet of your personal Kennedy assassination/UFO/ O.J Simpson conspiracy theories. 61. Repeat the following conversation a dozen times: "Do you hear that?" "What?" "Never mind, its gone now." 62. Light road flares on a birthday cake. 63. Wander around a restaurant, asking other diners for their parsley. 64. Leave tips in Bolivian currency. 65. Demand that everyone address you as "Conquistador." 66. At the laundromat, use one dryer for each of your socks. 67. When Christmas caroling, sing "Jingle Bells, Batman smells" until physically restrained. 68. Wear a cape that says "Magnificent One." 69. As much as possible, skip rather than walk. 70. Stand over someone's shoulder, mumbling, as they read. 71. Pretend your computer's mouse is a CB radio, and talk to it. 72. Try playing the William Tell Overture by tapping on the bottom of your chin. When nearly done, announce "no, wait, I messed it up," and repeat. 73. Drive half a block. 74. Inform others that they exist only in your imagination. 75. Ask people what gender they are. 76. Lick the filling out of all the Oreos, and place the cookie parts back. 77. Cultivate a Norwegian accent. If Norwegian, affect a Southern drawl. 78. Routinely handcuff yourself to furniture, informing the curious that you don't want to fall off "in case the big one comes". 79. Deliberately hum songs that will remain lodged in co-workers brains, such as "Feliz Navidad", the Archies "Sugar" or the Mr. Rogers theme song. 80. While making presentations, occasionally bob your head. like a parakeet. 81. Lie obviously about trivial things such as the time of day. 82. Leave your Christmas lights up and lit until September. 83. Change your name to "AaJohn Aaaaasmith" for the great glory of being first in the phone book. Claim it's a Hawaiian name, and demand that people pronounce each "a." 84. Sit in your front yard pointing a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down. 85. Chew on pens that you've borrowed. 86. Wear a LOT of cologne. 87. Listen to 33rpm records at 45rpm speed, and claim the faster speed is necessary because of your "superior mental processing." 88. Sing along at the opera. 89. Mow your lawn with scissors. 90. At a golf tournament, chant "swing-batabatabata-suhWING-batter!" 91. Ask the waitress for an extra seat for your "imaginary friend." 92. Go to a poetry recital and ask why each poem doesn't rhyme. 93. Ask your co-workers mysterious questions, and then scribble their answers in a notebook. Mutter something about "psychological profiles." 94. Stare at static on the TV and claim you can see a "magic picture." 95. Select the same song on the jukebox fifty times. 96. Never make eye contact. 97. Never break eye contact. 98. Construct elaborate "crop circles" in your front lawn. 99. Construct your own pretend "tricorder," and "scan" people with it, announcing the results. 100. Make appointments for the 31st of September. 101. Invite lots of people to other people's parties.
Funny
1,452 Clicks

by: Speedy (06/12/2007)

Hey, hey, wanna hear the joke about the kid with ADD? Ok, so a kid with ADD walks into a bar..... not a chocolate bar. Like a bar where they give you alcohol. Only alcohol! But if you're nice they might give you some water. Which probably eliminates the point of a drinking fountain. That WOULD be pretty cool if they had a Chocolate Bar... Where you could get Hershey's, and 3 Musketeers, and Paydays, and even Baby Ruth's, which are pretty hard to find! BBL, off finding a Baby Ruth!
Funny
1,452 Clicks

by: Anonymous (01/04/2007)

Man's theory of creation:

On the first day God created Men.

On the second day God created Monday night football because men needed a break from the week already.

On the third day God created bean burritos for the many farting contests to come.

On the fourth day God created Lay-z Boys because the men looked too physically fit and liked to stand.

On the fifth day God created women because the men looked rich, sane and happy.

On the sixth day God created Pizza Hut delivery because the women's cooking threatened all existence.

And on the Seventh day God created John Wayne, AC/DC, and hot French chicks because the world didn't kick enough ass.

Testosteronians 3:12
Funny
1,452 Clicks

by: take a chance239 (09/06/2008)

A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales. The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small. The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale. Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible. The little girl said, "When i get to heaven I will ask Jonah." The teacher asked, "What if Jonah went to hell?" The little girl replied, "Then you ask him?"
Funny
1,452 Clicks

by: mookler (03/03/2004)

I am not currently available right now. However, if you would like to be transferred to another correspondent, please press the number that best fits your personality:
- If you are obsessive compulsive, please press "1" repeatedly.
- If you are co-dependant, please ask someone to press "2".
- If you have multiple personalities, please press "3", "4", and "5".
- If you are paranoid delusional, we know who you are and what you want. Just stay on the line so we can trace your call.
- If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and the little voice will tell you which number to press.
- If you are manic depressive, it doesn't matter what number you press, no one will answer.
Funny
1,451 Clicks


Total Messages: 689, Now viewing messages (1 - 10)
Pages: 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | 7 | 8 | 9 | 10 | 11 | 12 | 13 | 14 | 15 | 16 | 17 | 18 | 19 | 20 | 21 | 22 | 23 | 24 | 25 | 26 | 27 | 28 | 29 | 30 | 31 | 32 | 33 | 34 | 35 | 36 | 37 | 38 | 39 | 40 | 41 | 42 | 43 | 44 | 45 | 46 | 47 | 48 | 49 | 50 | 51 | 52 | 53 | 54 | 55 | 56 | 57 | 58 | 59 | 60 | 61 | 62 | 63 | 64 | 65 | 66 | 67 | 68 | 69
Simpsons Away Messages



Art/Pix
Babysitting
Bathroom
Celebs
Chuck Norris
Drinking
Eating
Emo/Real Life
Funny
Gaming
Geek
General
Girly
Homework/Study
Inspirational
Jokes
Laundry
Love
Mean
Naughty
Other/Random
Partying
Phone
Political
School/Class
Shopping
Shower
Sleeping
Sports
TV/Movies
We Salute You
Work

CGI Inc. 2009
Privacy Policy

Advertise Ops
Free Horoscopes